WARNING: EMOSHITFUCK ENTRY. IF YOU DISLIKE STUFF LIKE THIS, DON'T READ AND DON'T COMMENT. THANK YOU.
life for rent
i haven't ever really found a place that i call home
i never stick around quite long enough to make it
i apologise that once again i'm not in love
but it's not as if i mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
it's just a thought, only a thought
and if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cause nothing i have is truly mine
i've always thought that i would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
i have no idea what's happened to that dream
cause there's really nothing left here to stop me
it's just a thought, only a thought
and if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cause nothing i have is truly mine
and if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cause nothing i have is truly mine
while my heart is a shield and i won't let it down
while i am so afraid to fail so i won't even try
well how can i say i'm alive
if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cause nothing i have is truly mine
if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than i get
cause nothing i have is truly mine
nothing i have is truly mine
nothing i have is truly mine
nothing i have is truly mine..
- dido
i need a hug.
right about now.
now.
-----
yes people. realisation of the century? i'm not doing well. i fucking miss my ex-boyfriend, and i believe there's nothing wrong with that. people talk about moving on like it's fucking easy. people talk about throwing away everything we had as though it's as natural as breathing. people talk about how i deserve better when i don't think so. i never did.
baby? why did we give ourselves a chance to fall apart?
i see myself turning into the self i was once in 2006. a much wilder version, unfortunately. broken; almost beyond repair. when you found me. down and beaten out. tired of love, tired of trying. you know how i was in the past. is it your plan to make me suffer the way i did before? if it is, you're being bloody successful. speaking of blood. i see a penknife nearby.
i see a penknife nearby.
flashback to 30th november, 2008. when we were both under the void deck and said we weren't allow to break up with each other. no matter what happens, no matter what would happen. but the reason for the fight? a classic case of miscommunication, leading to a misunderstanding. a major one. like you said in an sms dated 31 march, 2009 after we had a reasonless fight: "we just had a misunderstanding, a major one, thats all.. okae?"
with every second that ticks, the hope of us getting back together slips by faster than water on a frictionless surface. i see you getting happier each day. i on the other hand, see myself pretending to be happy, only to end up failing miserably every single day.
no matter how great the day went.
no matter how happy i was for the day...
once i sit down all by myself at night;
those drops of saline-filled water you call tears never fail to drop. they never fail to trickle down my cheeks, slowly caressing them in an agonizing manner. it's almost as though they're giving me time to think, almost mocking my thoughts and emotions, before i realise that i'm crying. before i wipe it away, the same way you used to.
right now.
i need a hug.
right now.
hearing the ringing tone is even harder than hearing the "starhub is unable to get a response from the customer's mobile. please try again later."
i used to feel anger and disappointment.
but now i just feel scared.
what would i say if you pick up?
what would you say if i say something wrong?
what would i do if you say something hurtful?
what would i do...
what would i do if mummy were to return right this instance, see my pale face stained with smudged make up, see my bloody wrists, see me crying like a motherfucker? who would i turn to? you? you're no longer here. who would i turn to? nobody i know is prepared to see this side of me. nobody except you.
every corner of this house. reminds me of you. every inch of this house. reminds me of you. every thing i touch, you've touched before. baby..? remember those times you'd shift your eyes between your psp and me, as you waited?
i sound pathetic and weak.
i sound vulnerable and dumb.
i sound stupid. just outright spastic.
but what i'm blogging about here, right now?
they're real emotions.
i'm not just faking it.
if only all this was just an act....
p/s: 3rd entry today. somebody should just confiscate this usb stick from me. and i'm serious about watching dance subaru. somebody, anybody? watch with me tomorrow? oh and i need a new bag. my charles&keith bag strap broke under pressure just now. sigh.
