there are a lot of things that i care about. things i actually spend time thinking about. things that i wonder all night about. but when i'm thrown into a scene where all the things that i care about are surrounding me with questions and disappointment and neediness, i crumble.
i break down.
she used to tell me that people our kind usually think too much for (not about) others, when we somehow get the gut feeling that they will not (in any way at all) reciprocate our kind gestures. i have realised this twice in my life. the first time was in secondary school.
somebody had needed my help and i had gone to her aid, only to realise she never needed me there. she just needed me to be kind so that she could use it as my weakness against me. the events following that single event eventually managed to screw me loose. one that i'm still trying to screw tight. as i told her about this, she nonchalantly replied: "i told you so."
usually when others say those words to me, or if i say it to others, it'll have the most cruel sarcastic tone to it without any of us knowing. it'll sound almost as though its sneering your decision that got you in that state in the first place. but when she said it... it felt so.. genuine. so.. sigh.
the second time happened this year.
and it's not over a single event. it's over a spate of events that have left me thinking, and really wondering. what are friends for? have i been a good one? have i been a bad one? some people leave me thinking that i am nothing but the latter. yet people justify my thoughts by saying that i'm the former. so what am i? and what are you?
should friends really be that competitive amongst each other?
should material things be a judging criteria for who is cool and who is not, who deserves this and who doesn't? should any of this even make sense for friends who vow to stay true to each other? who promise that they'll stand by each other through thick and thin, standing up for them til the very end?
i realised that all this is bullshit this year.
filled with hypocrisy more than ever, challenged with a mental block. "what is it that we live for if not ourselves, right?" if that is the case, why do i even bother to think about any of you before i do something?
from what has happened between my mum and me, i am almost certain that it has nothing to do with "wanting acceptance" or "fitting in". i know too much to not know that a person like me could never fit in truly. it struck me when i finally realised it's because i don't want people like you to think negatively of me. and again, it has nothing to do with how accepted i am. it's about how you think.
even now i am trying to find myself.
i can never be complete until i have found myself.
and good for you if you have.
but it is for your knowledge that it hurts and hinders my progress as a person if you keep shoving the fact that you are *this and that, this and that* into my face.
i don't want to think about anybody else anymore.
if you want to know selfish,
i'll give you selfish.
i don't even know if i love you anymore. you don't give me any reason to do so anymore.
"fuck you, understand?"
