what i need is somebody who will not judge me. now, and ever.
i've known that person all along.
won't you be the one to save me..?
-----
pictures to make up for my long hiatus!
and of course, it's mel's birthday today! who better to be there with him at the strike of 12 when my phone rang with the countdown that he set (by himself) other than myself? (actually "did it again" by shakira played instead of a "dong dong dong" kinda thing. but you get what i mean.)
we had to bite the cake since he din bring down forks. =.=
burning passion of love. (:
surprised birthday boy man. hee.
told you we bit the cake. well, he did, actually. haha.
HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY MY DARLING MEMEL. (:
well, i've already said all i needed to say to you, and i hope you're happy. stay happy, stay strong, and stay the same lovable way you are since you were 15. haha. oh, and enjoy being 3 years older for 2 months. heh. oh and thanks for scaring me for nothing just now. wahaha!
mel: eh, dah pukul brape ni?
me: entah eh, takpe ah. dah biase seh balik malam-malam.
mel: okay.. nasib baik malam ni bukan malam jumaat.
*cricket sound here*
me: umm, today IS malam jumaat.
mel: no it isn't. that was yesterday. (with full confidence.)
me: =/ today is friday.
*stares at each other for about 10 years*
mel: oh. my. God. okay come let's go home.
HAHAHAHAHAHAA.
will blog when i feel like it. or perhaps i'll just start anew. i'm sick of change and i don't like starting anew, but this time it's a must. and i'll bloody hell initiate it.
2.03am. goodnight world.
p/s: it's not easy for me to fall in love. and i'm hella sick of falling out of it.
i thought and wondered at 1:22 AM
Friday, April 23, 2010
"please. "
i'll go
there's a star in the palm of my hand and i think it's yours if you don't want it then i'll understand you deserve much more
when i brought it down from the sky you almost forgot it it was new back when you gave a damn what you need, i'll go and get it
but if i don't come back girl, your love was worth it that's the one thing i know and if i don't make it back girl, remember that that i said i'd go, baby
girl your love is so hard but it takes me so far but i don't care, i'll go no, if i don't make it home at least now you know girl for you, i'll go
got my heart in the palm of your hand now you're good, that's yours if you don't want it i won't understand cause i came so far
when you tossed it took forever to find the place where you lost it now you're gone with my heart out the door home is here girl don't forget it
but if you don't come back girl this love was worth it that's the one thing i know, yeah if you don't make it back girl remember that that i said i'll go for you, ohh
girl your love is so hard and it takes me so far but i don't care, i'll go nooo, if i do make it home but at least now you know, i'll go..
- chris brown
i thought and wondered at 7:17 PM
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
"blinded "
i was blinded by what i want.
blind no more, perhaps.
i thought and wondered at 11:48 PM
Sunday, April 18, 2010
"sadded. "
boyfriend's leaving for a week for work. :(
school's starting tomorrow and thus i haven't much to look forward to. same old routine. still very much sad that i'm not going to dance for club crawl. i'm failing myself in everything i do. i feel like withdrawing into a shell and sleeping 24-7 til boyfriend comes back. but i guess life has to go on, doesn't it? sigh.
i can't wait for the second week of may! :D
i'll be the happiest girl alive come second week of may.
and only one person knows why. x)
i don't have much to say right now. 'cept that i'm really tired. of what? i don't even know. i just feel tired. i just feel like being a grown up for once. so that i'll be able to talk to the both of them as one. not just as a young lil child. sigh.
i hate sherry. i hate the bitch i once was. don't you?
eh i miss smelling you already. :(
you've found out that i talk to myself when i'm nervous.
you've found out that i blush when i'm shy.
you've found out that i cannot lie for nuts.
you've found out that i love apple tea and am anti-greentea. (haha.)
you've found out that i like it when you speak malay.
i wonder if all of these are obvious to people i don't really know. okay, obviously not. but still. it won't hurt to wonder. hahaha. okay i'm not making any sense, am i? it's okay. i'll always have a fan reading this blog. :D
why do they call fans of things/bands/games, fans? as in, fans are also those things you get wind with by flapping(?!) really hard. so why are fans called fans? there's just no-link. hmm.. perhaps loads of fans at a gig or concert make a lot of wind with all the movement they make? i don't know. perhaps somebody should enlighten me one day.
dear God, please make this one week pass by super duper fast. love, sharifah.
goodnight all!
have a wonderful week ahead! (:
p/s: i'm sorry i have to hurt you with all the things i've done. i'm sorry, baby..
i thought and wondered at 2:41 AM
Friday, April 16, 2010
"somewhere only we know "
it's scary how i fell for you so fast.
but it's even scarier how i'd hurt if i lose you.
you make me feel the way no other have. you breathe life into this lifeless soul just by being around me. you make me smile everytime you speak. you know just how to coax me when i get all spoilt and bratty. you make me want to look at you 24-7. there's this endless list of the things you do right. and it has only just begun.
we have all the time in the world to find out more about each other. of course, not everything will be positive and cheery. but that's what counts... right? i mean, love isn't love if it's perfect in that sense. some days you have to be hurt by love. and other days you don't get hurt and get embraced by its sweet touch to make up for how hurt you got on those days.
it's just how the world goes. (:
but we'll make us as painless as possible.. right? hehe.
i can't wait to embark on this journey with you, love. i know everybody will find me crazy. some will despise me for speaking of actions and principles so strong just a few posts ago, when i'm contradicting myself in this entry. but i don't care anymore.
i always have been a contradict.
and you chose to not believe what i said.
and for that, i thank you baby.
i love you. (:
i thought and wondered at 6:08 PM
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"slowly.. "
what if i start believing...?
what if i say i love you too?
what if i mean it...?
will it make any difference at all?
i thought and wondered at 1:29 AM
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
"the dream "
it feels like my head is burning. i feel like i'm not supposed to be here. it's like, this time round i really got myself into a mess which i don't feel like clearing up. no, i don't feel like clearing it up at all.
what do you do if you start to fall for someone?
and realise that the two of you are just 2 different worlds apart, bound by a select few or by dreams...? well, i choose to not believe.
how can i be the person in your dream when you're not the person in mine? how can i say i love you when it's not reciprocated? this is getting too weird for me. it's getting too fucked up to apprehend. why is everything happening this way? all i want to do is to lie in bed and cry.
and that is what i'll do.
5 hours wouldn't be enough.
work later on.
toodley-do.
the rush of heat to your stomach.
yummy.
i thought and wondered at 10:37 AM
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
"ahh. "
FUCK YOU.
FUCK OFF.
i thought and wondered at 3:46 PM
"poem for the missed "
for one and one alone
i miss you baby
i miss you oh so much
i miss you my dear
i miss your spine-tingling touch
come back soon, won't you?
free me from this pain
so i'll be able to smell you again
ah yes, that would make me sane
i love you my *fill in the blank*
more than you'll ever know
i love you more than you love to sail
i love you and i'll never let go...
(:
-----
it'll be damn right obvious to some about who this poem is for.
but he should know it.
i don't know what i want anymore. but i do know that i want you here. because for what it's worth, you've been the only person to ever make me feel safe. even through all the shits you put me through. and nobody else has ever made me feel safe the way you do.
and honestly?
i'm tired of trying to find that person who can.
i'm tired of people telling me that such a person exists.
i mean it this time round. stop crushing. stop liking. stop loving. this heart's a broken one that has no love left to give. unless you're willing to take the shit the same way he did - to piece the pieces back together. which will basically mean that it'll be hard to make me to feel. it took him 2 years to make me feel when in the end, i just left for the aforementioned person anyway.
perhaps.. i'm meant to do this by myself.
i mean, a few of us should always stay single.
true?
true.
"i'm a walking disaster
don't wanna hurt you
that's what you got to go.."
- oopsy daisy; chipmunk
i thought and wondered at 1:48 PM
"if love had a hand, i'd have been slapped a million times before "
it's easy for us to say what's right or wrong. easy for us to voice our opinions. easy for us to want to have a say. easy for us to stand up and fight for our rights. easy for us to think for ourselves.
but it's hard for us to fucking stop to think about others.
-----
i honestly do not know how i will face you when you return. i do not know if i will allow myself to crumble, or if i'll continue being strong, the way i am now. strong? hah. strong. a weak face wearing a make-believe "strong" mask. yeah. that's what this all is.
i'm sick of being called fat.
fuck you, fuck your own self.
i think cats are cute. and i want a kitten so badly. i want to make my friends love cats so that they'll be able to come over the way they always do. i think cats are adorable. they're so adorable to watch. if i get a beige or grey kitten for my birthday i'll love the person who gave HER to me to pieces.
i hate my hair.
i hate my body.
do you hate yours, too?
about 32098957234 random thoughts are going through my mind and all these thoughts are fighting to have a say. it's like a film that has no end. a film that's fast-fowarding itself at a x16 speed.
i think i lost my best friend.
to a guy.
guys are awful bitches.
they're bitches with dicks.
i don't think i have a best friend anymore. i lost mine to a girl who he used to cheat on me with.
gawd, what the fuck am i saying?
i need sleep.
yeah that's what i probably need.
i thought and wondered at 1:50 AM
Monday, April 12, 2010
"kiss from a thorn "
i have no wish of loving.
i am not in love.
i will not be in love.
i do not want to love.
i have no wish of loving.
i thought and wondered at 3:32 PM
Sunday, April 11, 2010
"caring too much "
work was super tiring today.
my legs were jelly by the time i was in the train.
but i'm slowly getting used to the mental torture of it all. and the physical pain, too. and i'm also getting used to eating by myself during breaks. i don't know why i dreaded it so much in the past. it's not so bad, cause i'll have time to think and actually do things i want to do.
i am loving my colleagues TTM.
oh. and i like you. (:
i really, really, really like you. (:
-----
i think humans are scary. he called me crying. telling me he's sorry. and that he just doesn't want to see me hurt again. and then i broke down and cried. because i realised that what he said probably makes sense. if i've been doing nothing but give in, he will never stop taking from me. and even if this is the last chance, i'm hanging on to an overflowing heart. there's just no more space for me even if i did want to give him another chance.
4 more days.
i have enough to think about.
can i not fall in love and just not be able to love? can i not feel anything when i see couples kiss and hug and make out infront of me? can i please stop feeling so that i don't hurt anybody and nobody can hurt me? sigh.
goodnight lah.
i thought and wondered at 2:56 AM
Thursday, April 8, 2010
"maxed out.. "
..like a credit card.
went to the polyclinic with faz and julie today and i got 2 days mc! hahahah. turns out i had tonsilitis(sp?) without me even knowing it. haha. i need to eat antibiotics and the norm meds and now i wonder how i'm going to work if i'm drowsy tomorrow. sigh.
after a 9-hour shift, i'll be rushing to school for dance.
and then i'll go home, eat my med and sleep so i can be well-rested enough for work on saturday. whooh whooh whooh.
friends have been asking me why i want to go for work tomorrow even though i've gotten 2 days mc. and honestly, it's not only cause of the money. i wouldn't want whoever who's working on shift tomorrow to have to work alone because of my absence. i know the feeling sucks. big time.
and besides, i just don't want to feel so.. lethargic by the time i reach dance. i know, right? the irony? but whatever. you get what i mean. :D
dance was awesome today. i guess dance is awesome everyday. but today there were times i felt like pitam-ing but held it in because i din want to make a scene. i felt like i was lacking blood. =/ perhaps i'll go get that checked out soon. but then i don't want to get that checked out because i'm scared of finding out something i don't want to know. hmmm.. you know how you'd rather be kept in the dark to not be affected by the truth? yeah. i want that now.
sigh.
i need to sleep but i keep thinking about what to do. about what to do when everything that's happening now will come to a standstill. will that happen again? or will i treasure what i have now too much to let history repeat itself again? i don't know. but perhaps whatever he brings back home for me will have an impact on what i'm going to do.
i know now though, that it's not what i wanted.
but of course.. he'll never give me what i want.
will he?
okay, a 5-hour sleep and i'll be up for work. or perhaps not. the runny nose gets worse every second at night. urgh.
oh and seriously, i'm not looking for love.
i'm letting love look for me.
and that will mean i won't even feel forced. (:
toodles all.
p/s: i was really hurt today. hurt because you treated me like i was just a stranger. i've seen you do that to other people and i was wondering if you'd ever do that to me. and today you did that to me. i was really hurt. really, really hurt.
i thought and wondered at 11:32 PM
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
"destruction like fire "
i still want to go to the flyer.
nobody seems to ever take me seriously. kns.
i thought and wondered at 4:49 PM
Sunday, April 4, 2010
"lyrical emotions "
i realised that i've been blogging loadsa lyrics.
well i'm sorry that lyrics seem to express my emotions and feelings the best.
and duh, other times, i just like the song.
heh.
apologies, anyhoo.
-----
breathe slow
i'm running out of patience cause i can't believe what the hell i'm hearing and speaking of hell it don't compare to this heat that i am feeling
i love you too much it shows all my emotions go, out of control good for you bad for me when i can hardly see from the tears that flow
can't forget to breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed cause ladies take it in and get composure before i lose it get composure
i am gonna breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed cause ladies take it in and get composure ladies never lose composure
not gonna lie or even try you've got my wheel spinning and i ain't the one to shoot the gun cause that means you will be winning
i love you too much it shows all my emotions go out of control good for you bad for me when i can hardly see from the tears that flow
can't forget to breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed cause ladies take it in and get composure before i lose it get composure
i am gonna breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed cause ladies take it in and get composure ladies never lose composure
somebody better hold me back you're lucky i know how to act so lucky i ain't gonna attack
i'm being calm and cool but believe me you
it's taking everything to just
breathe, breathe, breathe
can't forget to breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed cause ladies take it in and get composure before i lose it get composure
i am gonna breathe slow count from one to ten with my eyes closed cause ladies take it in and get composure ladies never lose composure
- alesha dixon
i keep having nightmares. i had a conversation with a friend early this morning. and stayed up til 7am just to continue the conversation. i don't know if he will be reading this, i don't even know if he cares. but whatever we talked about this morning, it scared me. as yet another realisation struck me speechless.
i can never be with a person who's like me.
as in.. i can never fall for a person whose every move, every thought, every taste is similar to mine. call me silly, but books and words.. they influence me. a lot. and the most painful thing about heartbreak AND love is when you love the person too much, and you know them so well, almost more than you know yourself, that it'd kill you when you know he/she is hurting.
even more when you know he/she is hurting because of.. you.
i can never be the angelina jolie.
i'll always be the jennifer aniston.
i want to stay as jennifer.
work. dance. dance. work. work. work. dance;
the next seven days.
have a great week ahead ya'll. (:
i thought and wondered at 6:45 PM
Saturday, April 3, 2010
"i won't let go. "
never say never
some things we don't talk about rather do without just hold a smile
falling in and out of love ashamed and proud of
together all the while
you can never say never while we don't know when but time and time again younger now then we were before
don't let me go don't let me go don't let me go don't let me go don't let me go don't let me go
picture, you're the queen of everything far as the eye can see under your command i will be your guardian when all is crumbling steady your hand
you can never say never while we don't know when but time, and time, and time again younger now then we were before
we're falling apart and coming together again and again we're coming apart but we pull it together pull it together, together again
- the fray
-----
did you know this is one of my favourite songs? if you're fast enough to catch it in my facebook info tab, then you know me well.
i'm not letting go.
at least not now.
i know everybody's just going to say i'm repeating a cycle over again. but now that i've decided to complete the last lap, if it breaks, then it'll never come together ever again. like i said, people will have their opinions about this, but i will have the final fucking say. i don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if this would be the turning point in our love story. i have enough faith in you and myself to embrace your warmth once more. just once more.
and people do make mistakes.
but if this is a mistake..
then this will be my last.
have a very good saturday, darlings.
off to work now.
toodles.
i thought and wondered at 11:39 AM
"chance? "
oopsy daisy
oopsy daisy i hurt you again crushed your heart in the palm of my hands if you walk out baby i'll understand cause all i'll do is hurt you again
j-yeah, and again, and again
oops, there we go again we messed up once i messed up twice how many times are we gonna try again
girl its like round and round we go (hustle) i'd prefer if you left me alone cause i can't take the pain
and now my heartbeat feels like an 808
i'm a walking disaster don't wanna hurt you that's why you got to go destruction like fire, on the ground that's why you got to go, oh oh oh ohhh
j-yeah see the fussin and fightin, let's not before i see red, let's stop this here's really the end of imma find cupid and put him in a headlock now why did you pick on me why let the pretty bird shit on me i don't need good luck but i need good love that's a girl that will stand by me look honey i didn't diss you therefore i shouldnt haf'ta miss you and now i feel like saturdays are weaker me and my heart got crazy issues
girl its like round and round we go (hustle) i'd prefer if you left me alone cause i can't take the pain
and now my heartbeat feels like an 808
oopsy daisy i hurt you again crushed your heart in the palm of my hands if you walk out baby i'll understand cause all i'll do is hurt you again
i'm a walking disaster don't wanna hurt you that's why you got to go destruction like fire, on the ground that's why you got to go, oh oh oh ohhh
j-yeah they say three times a lady i say three times you're crazy to done with the messin around baseball love, three strikes you're out you're too busy tryna' catch me out but i just wanna get a home run the touring, after a while gets boring i need to come back to your touch look it's all too much i guess now we got'ta let go you see me grow from a boy to a man so this must really be the end of the road
girl its like round and round we go (hustle) i'd prefer if you left me alone cause i can't take the pain
and now my heartbeat feels like an 808
i'm a walking disaster don't wanna hurt you that's why you got to go destruction like fire, on the ground that's why you got to go, oh oh oh ohhh
oopsy daisy i hurt you again crushed your heart in the palm of my hands if you walk out baby i'll understand cause all i'll do is hurt you again
- chipmunk
-----
"there's nothing much i can do to convince you now, my dear. don't let go please. i'm coming back next week. i really want this to happen. i love you. good night."
- you don't have to guess hard to know who this text was from.
my heart is hurting.
and i'm confused now. because i seem all happy. having found a great new job, great new colleagues, and the independence i lost when i let you in again. sure, it all seems fine and dandy on the outside. i act all cheery and positively fine. but when i close the door and i sit down to rest, my heart just won't stop. it won't stop crying.
i know it doesn't make sense.
of course it doesn't make sense.
since when did matters of the heart make sense?
perhaps all this is a facade..? a play-pretend session. (yeah, that's totally what it is.) one that's soooooo convincing that even i've started to believe it. but what if it comes true? what if this make-believe happiness becomes.. real? on what grounds does it deserve to stay? do i deserve this happiness or does it belong to some other person? but above all these questions, should i let it go?
what if i give this one last chance to you, and possibly lose THE one in the process? do i love you enough to provide you the luxury of screwing my life once more? or do i even love you, still?
one day i will ask myself what is love.
and you'll be sad to know that love does not equal to you anymore.
but even i will be sad.
you'll have to understand if i walk out on you, don't you? you've hurt me too many times before. how long did you think i was gonna be there for you? how long did you think i'd accept the title of being "the rebound girl"? not very long, no.
"love knows no boundaries
set foot on its uncertainty
and you shall be granted happiness
for all eternity"
stop loving me. i have nothing for you. nothing but disgust and hatred and anger. stop liking. stop crushing. stop loving. a hollow heart is one that makes a lot of noise with no actual substance. so shut up and stop. i am tired of giving people false hopes, the way i'm tired of being given false hopes.
