Every thing seems so pointless now.

I feel like walking onto a busy street and walking the path of oncoming traffic, just to see if I'm lucky enough to not get hit by a vehicle.

The heart is aching so badly that I know now, I really loved him. He completed me, and I was a stupid fool to have hurt him in the stupidest ways ever.

That being said, he is also easily the person who I hate most right now. No, I'm not kidding. I know how strong 'hate' is a word, and I'm telling you, I feel it very strongly for him now.

Where can one find the heart to do what he did, and where did I find the heart to do what I did to him? It was not love. It was selfishness that led to this. I wanted him all to myself when all he ever wanted was to try to find somebody who was more compatible with him. He told me I changed these past 2 years with being all materialistic drastically. I couldn't agree more. I prolly changed over (what it seemed) night and the only direction my finger can point the blame to is myself. I guess it's a characteristic of mine that had always been in me. Something that I cannot keep in any more. Not when I am already managing my own finances, not when I see so many things that people have and I don't. Shallow much?

More like insecure.

But that's a-whole-nother story.

It's 8.39am, and most of Singapore is still asleep. Nightlife is dying down, simmering; I should know because I was staggering out of it. I am physically shagged, unable to focus yet unable to stop thinking. I want to sleep badly, but I can't because I'm still thinking too much. Of him, mostly. What pisses me off is that I am thinking of just ending it all, really because I'm just so drained out by these emotions.

I know it's retarded. I'm beating myself up mentally not because I want to kill, or attempt to permanently disable myself, but because of how retarded and absurd the idea of killing myself because of Syamil is. Spastic, much?

In what way does that heartless (literally) ex-boyfriend of mine deserve to be the reason of me wanting to kill myself? At this point of time concerned readers will go: "Yes, that's the way, don't think of killing yourself.."

He used to tell me, if God means for us to die, we will die. And therefore, if a switch in me trips while I'm on the way to work later, then let me bid farewell to all of you in advance. This world is already so fucked up and all of us are going to hell anyway, even those girls in religious headscarfs who fuck everything up and make out with their partners like there's no tomorrow in public. Geez, even I don't go all PDA-ish like that in public. Anyway, as I was saying. Most of us, if not all, are going to hell anyway, so I might as well make myself comfortable first. And hey, don't judge me, cause I know a lot of people I know are going to hell. That's for sure. You think it's so easy to get into Heaven? Think again bitch.

Okay whatever if I don't write another post in a week's time means I'm dead. Send your condolences to my family and fucking mean it. Thanks.