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i want somebody to kill me;
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mytsandws. ♥
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Sharifah Raihanah

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sharifah raihanah
sherryfah. (sha. shar. shai. nana.)
foreign bodies. ex-asc. fcps. rss. nyp/sbm - media studies & management. cotton on. cancer. hates her own kind, including you.

sharaihanah@hotmail.com

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Sunday, February 28, 2010
"umpteenth try "

i was reading a friend's blog.
and i felt that pinch in my heart as i was reading it.
she's so strong.
so much stronger than i can ever be.
obviously stronger than i am now.
looking at my cell and realising that i'm crying never seemed so pathetic.
but we just got to laugh it off, don't we?


happy

someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you can't have everything

don't you take chances
you might feel the pain
don't you love in vain
cause love won't set you free

i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground

i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yeah
just wanna be happy, yeah

holding on tightly
just can't let it go
just tryna play my role
slowly diasappear, ohh

well all these days
they feel like they're the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here

well i can't stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

so what if it hurts me?
so what if i break down?
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground

i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy,
ohh, happy oooh

so any turns that i can't see
like i'm a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
don't say anything

so what if it hurts me?
so what if i break down?
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground

i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain infront of me
cause i just wanna be happy
i just wanna be, happy
no, happy..

- leona lewis


----

you promised.
you fucking promised.


i thought and wondered at 11:42 PM


"in denial "

i am sad.





why?



because i am getting fired from my only financial income source.
because i am always getting thrown around like a ragdoll.
because i am tired of being the rebound to a "particular person".




as i witness my whole life fall apart, even before i turn 18, i can't help but to laugh at myself and the actions i've done that has led it all to this. i have a resolution. and it's to stop using "iun" as a substitute of "i don't". together with this resolution is another one that nobody (except myself) shall know of.




i am tired and shagged.
my lenses are gonna stick to my pupils forever. fml.
and i'm off to sheesha later. whooh.
i need to keep myself busy. really.



people, love does exist.
(i realised that at ida's chalet yesterday.)
i just haven't found it yet.


i thought and wondered at 3:52 PM


Saturday, February 27, 2010
"i can't wait, to see you again "

exams are finally over, and now all i have is time.

with mel going overseas for his attachment, i'll have LOADS of free time.





i can't wait to meet a particular person, though. i've really missed him, and it's been like, what, 3 or 4 months since we last met? and he still makes me smile. he could possibly be the only person whose text messages make me smile without fail. even if there's nothing to smile about! heheh. it's like, you know he's sincere and you can actually imagine him typing it and all.



butt... nutt love was right.
it's hard to trust anybody of the male species.
my trust, is depleting. and you have yourself to blame.


perhaps for now, staying single would be the best thing for me. knowing that i only have myself to think about makes it easier for me to breathe. it doesn't change anything by a lot, but breathing with more ease might actually make me happy. i think?

i mean.. i won't know till i've tried, right?



sigh.


work this evening and tomorrow morning, and i won't be able to make it for yohannis and hidayah's barbeque and chalet. how how howwwwww? tsk. my good friend and my bestfriend siaaaaa. fuck you la work. fuck you till you bleed excessively and die cause of blood loss. :(


i need to breathe.
and realise that i'm living.
i've been getting lightheaded alot recently.
fuck laaaa. okay. seriously.



i want to get ready because i've got a date now. okay bye.



HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY YOHANNIS! (:


p/s: getting bang-bangs again cause i need to see if i can cope with straight hair or not again. if all goes well, in june, i'll emerge a brand new person. (: nyehahaha.


i thought and wondered at 11:22 AM


Friday, February 26, 2010
"the time to party "

EXAMS ARE FUCKING OVER! BAIKKKKKKKK.

*dances around for about half an hour and comes back to continue typing*




now i just have work and... work!
hahahaa. that's all i have, baybeh.


so come on, fill my schedule up with dates, plans and random mindless meet-ups, cause i have all the time in the world.... until april. nyehahahahahaaha. though, i already have on my schedule...

1. yohannis' birthday barbeque!
omg, i cannot wait to meet this sayang of mine. i haven't seen her since forever! and i've missed her too much already. too many things to catch up on! tooooooooo much!

2. hidayah's birthday chalet!
ahhhhh! my bestgirlfriend for like, forevaaaa! though i can meet her anytime, i just can't wait to see her again. rindu rindu rindu bangat sama diaaaaa!

3. mairah and laila's birthday chalet!
whooh! with loads of friends, a theme and 2 birthday girls, who wouldn't have fun?! besides, it's been a long time since we spent quality time together and i miss dmsm truckloads!




ahhh. how come so many birthdays ah?! now i need to get 4 presents. aiyah. it's okay. i know exactly what to get for each and every one of them. nyehahaha. eh, but i no money. how? O$P$ pleaseeeeee. sigh. EH FUCK. kakak's present some more! D:

aiyaiyai chibai.


ohmygawdz, it's been such a long time since i just blogged a mindless blog entry such as this. and i guess it's been long overdue. but i have got to go now. because i have dance! whoooh dance! but i feel like sleeping.. because i'm tired.. :( maybe because yesterday......

hehehehehehehe.
bye.






p/s: i din expect you to come. really.

p/s 2: i should stop being annoying.

p/s 3: shall i do nothing from now on?


i thought and wondered at 12:20 PM


Wednesday, February 24, 2010
"loving hand "

it's funny how many tears i've cried for love.




i found it impossible, but true enough, i did.





in other news of my life: unfortunately, i have given up on my exams. i just want to wait for thursday when i'll be able to have fun in more ways than one again. though this is an impulse thought and want, i've already started acting it out. for example, instead of studying, i've been dancing and crying and.. wasting my life away. i was thinking of my primary school, and that bright young kid with two missing front teeth who was always asking and answering questions is no longer who she was before.

but the thing is, iun want to bring her back.
it was tiring keeping up with the facade.
the way it's tiring now. i was never meant to be here.




i want to fall in love again.







wait. is that even possible?



p/s: be mine. be mine.

p/s 2: thanks doreen love. (:


i thought and wondered at 9:40 AM


Tuesday, February 23, 2010
"wallow "

i wonder when i'll ever be strong enough to break away.
you say you don't need him, but you know you do.




breakaway

grew up in a small town
and when the rain would fall down
i'd just stare out my window
dreaming of what could be
and if i'd end up happy
i would pray (i would pray)

trying hard to reach out
but when i tried to speak out
felt like no one could hear me
wanted to belong here
but something felt so wrong here
so i prayed i could break away

i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly
i'll do what it takes til' i touch the sky
and i'll make a wish
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway
out of the darkness and into the sun
but i won't forget all the ones that i love
i'll take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway

wanna feel the warm breeze
sleep under a palm tree
feel the rush of the ocean
get onboard a fast train
travel on a jet plane, far away (i will)
and breakaway

buildings with a hundred floors
swinging around revolving doors
maybe i don't know where they'll take me but
gotta keep moving on, moving on
fly away, breakaway

i'll spread my wings
and i'll learn how to fly
though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
i gotta take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway
out of the darkness and into the sun
but i won't forget the place i come from
i gotta take a risk
take a chance
make a change
and breakaway, breakaway
breakaway...

- kelly clarkson



-----


sang this a few years ago for riverside idol. i din really know what this song was about. til recently. i think it makes perfect sense now. i never got what kelly clarkson wanted to break away from but it doesn't matter. at some point in our lives, we have to break away from something. even if it's good for us. and i realise that. i realise that now.



"you know when you're in self-denial, and then a slap hits you hard back to reality? it's painful."



sometimes i wonder til when i'll be here. right beside you. i wonder if you'll look at her, thinking of me. i wonder if you'd ever regret hurting me. i wonder if i'll ever be able to truly let go, though i know i must. i wonder if this is what God is trying to tell me.



oh, why do i have this weird, peculiar feeling that i'll never be able to get a 3.5 GPA?
fml.


i thought and wondered at 9:50 PM


Monday, February 22, 2010
"pretence "

happy 19th birthday nabil elbaba. (:





numb.


i thought and wondered at 11:27 PM


Sunday, February 21, 2010
"just turn around now. "

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY MY DARLING NUR HIDAYAH BINTE SAJALI!
thank you soo soo soo much for knowing the best of me and always bringing it all out. you have done so much more than a bestfriend should. and i thank you for always remembering me and for caring. best friends forever, darling. i love you! (:



and...


HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY MARINAH YUNOS! :D



and to all other 21-Feb babies. heh.


-----


"i don't like seeing you being used. and i'm sorry to say this, but i think he is only making use of you. stay away from him okay? you have a lot more in store for you. and it's not him."



i am confused.



i can't allow these tears to fall now.
i have a lot to do today, and it's time i be strong again.



4th july, please come soon.
you should know why.
and if you've seen me dance it all off, then you would start hoping with me. it's so much more effective than anything else. and i am well aware of how much more positive it is.


once i am worthy of being independent, i will. and no longer will i fall to the floor in weakness. i am just hoping that for now, nothing will change, and for me to have enough courage to face what lies infront of me right now. (my exams.)



okay, i should be financing.
goodbye, and good day.


i thought and wondered at 12:49 PM


Friday, February 19, 2010
"the love(s) of my life. "

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY SHARIFAH NADZIRAH BINTE (YOU DON'T HAVE A DAD!)! :D
thank you for being there for me through this all. for understanding every single pain i'm going through to the best of your ability. for sometimes being a bitch so that i would grow up. so that i would know how to work it out in the real world some day. i love you. iun really say that to you much, but i do. i love you. and you know i'll never stop loving you. happy birthday sis.



and...



HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY JULIE JEFF!
11 years of friendship.. 11 years of growing up together, literally.. thanks for being there for me through all those stupid choices i made.. for seeing each other grow up during times of distress, and times of unnecessary panic.. i love you so much that words cannot describe it.. all i can say is thanks. (:





-----


if you want to love me, you should be prepared.
i am vulnerable now.



(:


i thought and wondered at 11:59 AM


"will you survive? "

remember that walk we had at the admiralty park connector last november? before you had a bike, before you had anything, while you were weak and while i was at my peak? (hey, that rhymes!) well, we sang a song together at the top of our lungs because you were so sad. i was trying so hard to cheer you up that i broke into a funny tune of this song. and although we started debating with how it was sung, you started singing along with me, and we ended up laughing your sorrow away. ahh.. good times, good times. don't you ever forget that day. cause i never will. (:



-----

when i threw the ring away just now, i realised that letting go isn't hard.
although i did try looking for it after you left, i gave up.
because i realised that there's no point, anyway.
the same way you know now that there's no point.
that there's no point in this.



well, here goes...


i will survive

at first i was afraid
i was petrified
i kept thinking
i could never live without you by my side
but then i spent so many nights
just thinking how you'd done me wrong
and i grew strong
i learned how to get along

and so you're back
from outer space
i just walked in to find you here
without that look upon your face
i should have changed my fucking lock
i would have made you leave your key
if i'd have known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

oh now go
walk out the door
just turn around now
you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
did you think i'd crumble
did you think i'd lay down and die

oh not i
i will survive, yeah
as long as i know how to love i know i'll be alive
i've got all my life to live
i've got all my love to give
i will survive
i will survive
yeah, yeah

it took all the strength i had
just not to fall apart
i'm trying hard to mend the pieces
of my broken heart
and i spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
i used to cry
but now i hold my head up high

and you see me
with somebody new
i'm not that stupid little person still in love with you
and so you thought you'd just drop by
and you expect me to be free
but now i'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

oh now go
walk out the door
just turn around now
you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire
did you think i'd crumble
did you think i'd lay down and die

oh not i
i will survive, yeah
as long as i know how to love i know i'll be alive
i've got all my life to live
i've got all my love to give
i will survive
i will survive
yeah, yeah

- cake


right back at ya. (:


i can do this. i can do all of this.


i thought and wondered at 2:00 AM


Thursday, February 18, 2010
"i did this before "

true colours

you with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh i realize it's
hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you feel so small

but i see your true colours
shining through
i see your true colours
and that's why i love you
so don't be afraid, to let them show
your true colours
true colours are beautiful
like a rainbow

show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember when i
last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know i'll be there

and i'll see your true colours
shining through
i see your true colours
and that's why i love you
so don't be afraid to let it show
your true colours
true colours are beautiful
like a rainbow

- cyndi lauper



i did this before way back in secondary school. i need a track back in my life. life isn't life if it's perfect from the start. which is why i have to start all over again. (:


i thought and wondered at 3:47 AM


"this dance "

I LOVE FBODZ.


what else is there to say?


i love them to the core because i love dance, and so do they. (:


and i love my sister as well.
as annoying as she is, she still understands me the best.
i love you jie jie!


and of course, not forgetting you. (:
but you already know that, anyway. heh.



goodnight!


i thought and wondered at 1:11 AM


Wednesday, February 17, 2010
"here it went again. "

you win.



i've given up. on both of you.


i thought and wondered at 1:34 PM


Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"should i stay? "

i so want this song right now.
so if you have it, click me on msn? (:

should i stay?

had a drive
driven by your love
but when you messed around
i lost the drive i found

thought you needed
needed someone true
but you changed your mind
or had i failed you?

wish you’d been
careful with my heart
but you tore it apart
and broke an angel’s heart

i guess what's true
has an end somehow
but i am livin’ proof
of what love is about

it’s hard holding you
loving you, losing you
it’s sad to be true
and be fooled by you
i don’t know (i don’t know)
i gotta know
should i stay or should i go?

you played me on
played me like a clown
but i feel for you
even though i’m down

my heart is heavy
heavy like a rock
but i am so amused
you’re still in my thoughts

it’s hard holding you
loving you, losing you
it’s sad to be true
and be fooled by you
i don’t know (i don’t know)
i gotta know
should i stay or should i go?

ooohh…should i stay?
should i go?

it’s hard holding you
loving you, losing you
it’s sad to be true
and be fooled by you
i don’t know (i don’t know)
i wanna know
should i stay or should i..?

this time it's done
it’ll never feel the same
but we had some good times
guess it’s sad just the same

i guess the truth
doesn’t matter somehow
but you were livin’ proof of what love is about…

- dreamz fm


i thought and wondered at 7:56 PM


"truth or dare? "




when i was young, the game "truth or dare" seemed fun because it was the new in-thing. when all of us had to do goofy things to prove something, or had to say the truth and potentially embarrass ourselves. we were young, we were dumb, we were naive. we din really care about how others would look at us yet, did we?



as we grew up, "truth or dare" became boring to me. always the typical questions and same ol' dares. even so, the same people i played it with when i was younger wouldn't be as sporting as before. they'd consider consequences, be afraid of how people would look at them and bla bla bla. 95% of the game would be spent on encouragement phrases such as: "just do it" or "it's just for awhile" or "come on, or do you wanna answer something harder?". i'd always find almost no reason to play it. because if it's to relieve us of our boredom, well, we might as well play tic-tac-toe or hangman, because that would be so much more fun.






almost 18 years into my life, and i've changed my perception of "truth or dare" again. perhaps... i was wrong before. there was a point of time where i thought the game was stupidly boring. now, some people have made me realise that how fun this game is, depends on one factor, and one factor alone:

the people who you play with.

i think this is a game that only mentally prepared people can play. for example, based on the questions and dares, and the environment of where the game takes place, you need to establish the fact that you're getting yourself into trouble, and there wouldn't be a "turning back" moment. if you're not prepared to get burnt, then don't fucking play.




----

yesterday, all 7 of us were prepared.
perhaps that's what made everything hilarious.
hilarious and fun. :D (omg, i'm really grinning now.)
thanks for cheering me up when i was sad and making a fool of myself: abang naz, hanafi, kim, anna, fazlina and julie. (:


happy 19th birthday, hanafi! we hope you had a great surprise at 12am, although you saw me hiding in a corner. =.= hahahaahahahaha. so much for surprise. but, shut up anyway. you're so gonna remember your 19th forever.

happy one-day-late belated 20th birthday, asyiq! not as though you'd ever read this, but, yeah. hahah.




with so many surprises on birthdays this year (haiza's, dee's, kakak's, hanafi's, shad's and obviously 9782364702345 more), i feel so.. sad. it's almost as though i know that my 18th is gonna suck so bad cause nobody's gonna set anything up for me. it's this feeling you get in your guts, and it's pretty strong. but it's okay. cause i know what i want for my 18th. keyword: want. i still have about 5 months to figure out what i need.




and oh, before i forget!
bumped into sap and his friend dan yesterday while i was with julie. (:




okay bye everybody!




p/s: you know when something happens in your life, and you totally lose yourself? like you don't even know if you're real, or if you should even be alive. for the moment. for that second in life, you'll feel unreal; dead. it's not guilt. it's not sadness. it's not anger. it's not hatred. it's not even numbness. iun even have a fucking word for it. but feeling this yesterday is going to make me think a whole lot harder from now on.


i thought and wondered at 6:36 PM


Monday, February 15, 2010
"expansion "



lol.


i thought and wondered at 1:06 AM


Sunday, February 14, 2010
"zapzap comes home! "

hello world.

while i was working yesterday, i saw this really cute soft toy (it's a puppy, but who cares. it's super cute.) on the conveyor belt next to mine. it appeared that nobody wanted it, and there wasn't really a crowd. so i ran to it, and stuffed it into my drawer.

every once in a while when nobody was looking or there were no customers, i took it out to play with it. and yes, now, i am $15 poorer since i decided to buy it - on impulse, i might add. grr. but it's bloody cute! and i was actually thinking of giving it to somebody, but i realised i might as well keep it for myself.

it's just too cute. x)


just look at it!










so i named it zapzap, cause it reminded me of the fictional movie character: "bolt", from the movie "bolt". if you don't recall such a movie, let me refresh your memory with some images -thank God there's google. heh.








unfortunately, the images are really small. but you get what i mean. oh b.t.w., zapzap is super soft! and she's super cute! and she's super small and pretty! and i bet she'll be grey by my 18th birthday. hahaha.


anyhoo.


-----

i wanted to blog about a few uneducated people, not trying to be judgemental or whatever, but i really think some people are fucking dumb asses. for example, it's been almost 2 years that my employer has charged customers for our carriers (also known as plastic bags), but i still come across customers who complain about this. honestly, i think these people are just plain selfish.

let me tell you why.

firstly, we are genuinely trying to save the environment in whatever small or simple way we can. google up on "world plastic bag usage" and you'll be fucking shocked by what you find out. isn't it scary how human laziness (or, the favourite excuse: "for convenience") results in the production of so much plastic bags? and it all contributes to world pollution. the world that you and i are living on, mind you. if you don't want to live, well, i do. so fuck you and stop saying that our efforts useless. (:


secondly, it's not as though we're unreasonable. our blue bags have lifetime guarantees, for God's sake. which means that if it tears or breaks, you can exchange it for a fucking brand new one. it's not my fault if you left the bag in your vehicle, or if you forgot to bring it at all. honestly not my fucking fault. there must be something wrong with you if your brain doesn't even have the decency to remind yourself to bring a necessity. urgh.


thirdly, the money that we collect from the plastic bags, - which is 10cents for each large bag, and 5cents for each medium bag - go to a local children charity. so we're just trying to increase your positive karmic strengths or whatever not. hahah. customers even accuse (wtfbbq) us of making this up, but really, i read it in a brochure while i was shopping there one day. tsk. which is why i say some of you are really uneducated. (:


fourthly, it's not as though we don't have transport services, or, it's not as though your vehicles are parked 200km away from where you checkout. what is the difficulty of just carrying a few items down to your vehicles? have you lost mobility of your hands? sheeesh, seriously..


sigh.

but i must agree that my employer hasn't done a good job in advertising all these points i've just mentioned. they rely on the "word of mouth" strategy, and that might be negative, because some uneducated people might just spread untrue things.


but what else can i say?
i think some human beings are just very shallow.
and there's no point of saying: "10 cents only what!" when you're arguing about it in the first place. *rolls eyes until my 18th*


okay that's all.
and oh!

XIN NIAN KUAI LE, AND HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY!

i cannot wait for my boy tomorrow.
less than 24hours to go til i see him, i think.





goodbye!

p/s: you know how your heart tingles when you receive a text from the person you love? i still get that when you text me. (:


i thought and wondered at 3:25 PM


Saturday, February 13, 2010
"this makes sense "

i was listening to justin bieber's "one less lonely girl", and i realised that you make sense.


i'll breathe in deeply now.
and just hope for the best.


i thought and wondered at 3:25 PM


"a thousand miles. "








i feel depressed just looking at the first picture. this is what i did when i couldn't sleep yesterday night. (in reference with the time i took the screenshot.) look at how fucking far this damn shit place is. it's not literally a thousand miles away, but it is fucking far. monday please come soon. monday please come soon. monday please come soon. monday please come soon. i have been chanting this phrase to myself almost second now, hoping that it'll make things easier. but i should be having a rather o-kay time.

i'll be working from 6pm to closing later, which will mean that i'll be out of my house at 4.45pm. which will mean that i'll be off the computer by 3.30pm. which will mean that i will switch to my career-orientation-mode from 3pm onwards. which means that i have less than an hour today to be sad about this whole situation.


tomorrow, i have promised myself to stay at home to study and read my books which i have neglected in the past month.


but i have to get used to this. i have to hold it all in. because this is only going to get me stronger. this is going to get me prepared for when he goes for attachment, and for when he serves national service.

and it will only make every meet-up that much more special, that much more worthwhile, that much more meaningful.


anyhoo.

-----

yesterday was nice. because i din end up going out with sister-love, but i met my girls! maisurah couldn't make it, though. hidayah, haiza and i ended up watching valentine's day. and ohmygoodness, it is such an entertaining show. well, to me at least. i mean, the star-studded cast made it much more appealing to us (well, it better, cause i'm sure garry marshall and his producers paid a lot of money to get them in the movie), but to me, the storyline was smartly cute and well-planned.


very predictable though.


BUT.
i was super fucking disappointed with the quanti error found at the later part of the movie. i'm not sure if that was the only one, but i noticed it for sure. it's the scene where the babysitter and her boyfriend sits at his van, and she tells him about how unprepared she is for sex. she crosses her leg in one shot to rub her foot up his calf, but in the immediate next shot, she's sitting without crossing her legs. MAJOR: FUCK, WHY DIDN'T YOU PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THE SHOTS?!

but that's about it. (:


the great thing is that i'll be watching it again with mel next week! and that, i cannot wait for. (:


i had a great time with my girls! i've missed them loads.
anyhoo, the night was great too.

i reached bugis at about 9.30pm, and met julie and friends. what happened yesterday, our lips are sealed. but it was great fun, hanging out with them. (: i shan't continue the latter part of the day, except that i love how friends can get you to stop thinking about something.


timecheck: 2.39pm.



goodbye darlings.
have a good day ahead. (:


i thought and wondered at 2:00 PM


Friday, February 12, 2010
"all i can do "

when you're on your own
when you're at the fork in the road
you don't know which way to go
there's too many signs and arrows

you haven't left in a while
when you can't even fake a smile
when you feel ashamed
the uniform don't make you brave

all i can do is love you to pieces
give you a shoulder to cry when you need it
when the day is long
and then night is coming down on you
all i can do
all i can do
all i can do

when you forget your name
the pleasure can't disguise your pain
you don't feel the same
i won't forget the love you made

what a lovely day to shape your dreams
and you don't even have to sleep
you can make it what you want to be
you can fly away
you can change your name
have a happy faith
if you'll be so real
oh

it's all that i can do

- chantal kreviazuk



when life throws shit at you, throw it back.



-----

i am loving this canadian singer-songwriter; chantal kreviazuk. i was looking for her version of "leaving on a jet plane" because mel is going overseas for the weekend (sad right, i know. and there's no-link, cause he's not taking a jet plane. hahah.) but i've always thought that it was janis joplin who sang that particular version that i was looking for. don't ask me why. hahah.

check out her other songs.
like, "time" and "these days".
why couldn't we have songs like these for storyboard?




i have bigger things to think about now.
so do you.

good day.


i thought and wondered at 10:27 AM


"kill me. "

there's this immense throbbing in my head.


to you: i'm sorry.




-----


i will take one day at a time. and i will avoid blogging here. because i just have to. i don't find any reason to express anything if my emotions will just worsen every single thing in my life.


alone.


i thought and wondered at 9:29 AM


Thursday, February 11, 2010
"bizarre love triangle "

i want it all.
or nothing at all.








it's gonna come to a point where it's gonna be too late to apologize.


i thought and wondered at 5:45 PM


"what have i done? "

bella is a bitch.


she should have never left jacob.

and edward is an assholic motherfucked-up piece of shit because he didn't deserve bella.




these red eyes will have to rest now.


i thought and wondered at 3:41 AM


"they're hurting enough "

my eyes.


they've not looked like this since may 6th 2009.







"you just bring me down."


i thought and wondered at 3:31 AM


"to your ex. "

are you happy now?

now, don’t just walk away
pretending everything’s okay
and you don’t care about me
and i know there’s just no use
when all your lies become your truths and i don’t care...
yeah, yeah, yeah

could you look me in the eye
and tell me that you’re happy now
would you tell it to my face or have i been erased
are you happy now?
are you happy now?

you took all there was to take
and left me with an empty plate
and you don’t care about it, yeah
and i am givin' up this game
and leaving you with all the blame cause i don’t care
yeah, yeah yeah

could you look me in the eye?
and tell me that you’re happy now
would you tell it to my face or have i been erased
are you happy now?
are you happy now?
are you happy now?
yeah yeah, yeah..

do you really have everything you want?
you can't ever give somethin' you ain't got
you can’t run away from yourself

could you look me in the eyes?
and tell me that you're happy now, yeah, yeah
come on, tell it to my face or have i been replaced
are you happy now?
are you happy now?
yeah yeah, yeah

would you look me in the eye?
could you look me in the eye?
i’ve had all that i can take
i'm not about to break
cause i’m happy now
are you happy now?

- michelle branch



when i don't have the courage to say it all.
he's all yours.

p/s: guess who's back? sherry's back. (:

p/s 2: don't break for someone who won't bend for you.


i thought and wondered at 1:22 AM


Wednesday, February 10, 2010
"2 pregnant kitties in a day. "

yesterday evening, i fed a pregnant cat by myself.



the next morning, at about 1.15am, (which was this morning), mel and i fed another cat who's pregnant.

we were on the way to my block, and she saw mel and i walking and followed us; almost instinctively. she's a pretty cat, and baby was already trying to play with it. she was relatively cleaner than the one i fed earlier that day.

remembering that i had 2 more packets of cat food at home, i decided to take food for her. but when i walked towards the lift, she ignored baby and followed me (hehe). so i told her to come in to the lift, and we went up to my floor together.


when i opened my house door, she wanted to follow me in! haha! but i saw my sister, and i knew she'd shout if there was a cat in the house. thus i quietly shut the door while mel was waiting outside with her.


and of course, my iphone was with me and i just had to take pictures again. (:














it's not really obvious from the pictures, but her tummy was so freaking huge! i wonder how many kittens she has inside. hmmm.... i wonder how far along she is..




now, i'm just waiting for my mummy and sister to remind me about how unhygienic they are and all. they probably saw the coaster cover i used to hold water for her, and the newsletter on the floor. hmpfh.

it's not my fault she's pregnant.
and this part you go: "you're so cute.."


sigh.


presentation later on, and my body is aching like crazy from i-don't-know-what. sheeesh. i miss my girls, and we have to do something for baby's birthday soon, and i want to eat takoyaki. i shall get takoyaki tomorrow? or later, also can. hahahaa.


can i kick you?
cause i just feel like it. (:

today will be a sucky day. just because i know it will be. gahh.
perhaps it's cause i won't be getting my ecstasy. my nicotine. my air.


i need a slap back to reality. right about.... now.


i thought and wondered at 11:14 AM


Tuesday, February 9, 2010
"I WANT A KITTEN FOR MY 18TH "

OLLA EVERYBODY!




now, this entry, is being typed with an entirely different set of emotions and feelings from the previous one. read on to find out why. :D


so...


as everybody knows, i wasn't really in a good mood just now. perhaps it was just pms, perhaps it was that petty fight. perhaps it was my hormones raging or something. anyway the story begins with when i was angry just now. i was taking the lift up from the ground floor at my block. when all of a sudden..


a cat meowed really loudly near me. well, not everybody knows this, but i've always been fond of cats. however.. certain incidents during my childhood has resulted in me being afraid to get near them. recently though, i've been opening up to them by a whole lot. firstly, because of mary's totally adorable cats, and secondly, because mel and i keep feeding stray cats (this takes up a lot of my time and money, but i like seeing them eat. :D).

so anyway.
the kitty cat tried snuggling up to me, but since i was alone, and not in the very best of moods, i actually avoided it and went: "not right now lah. i'm not in the mood." the lift was only at the 8th floor, and by then, i was just looking at the cat. bear in mind, it was meowing the whole time, and as angry/pissed as i was at that point of time, i still felt like stroking it and saying: "everything's gonna be okay.."


then right....

when the lift came, i went in. it stared at me, wanting to come in. but i kept saying "no". very angrily, actually. (i remember ms.soo telling us that tone plays an important part when communicating with animals, cause they don't understand what we're saying, but they get a rough idea of our intended message through the tones of our voices.)

but right....

when the lift door closed, i noticed it was pregnant. so i was like, "eh fuck, she's pregnant." so i just went "sorry" in my heart, cause i was really pissed at that time, and i din wanna give in to anybody at all.

seconds later, i reached home, and i went to the kitchen window to calm myself down (because i was still sad/angry/blablabla) .....then i heard something.

i looked down to see a passer-by get shocked by the same cat's meow. this time round, she was meowing really, really loudly, like she was in pain! i could hear her loud and clearly from level 6! i saw her maneuver her way through cars and was thinking, "fuck, it must surely be fucking hungry."

so i rushed down. and went to ntuc to buy food for her. i tried looking for her while i was passing the block i last saw her at, but i couldn't worry about finding her just yet. i had to get the food asap.



BUT..


after buying 2 cans and 2 packets of food for her... I COULDN'T FIND HER! i was almost going to cry cause i felt so sorry and guilty. but i din give up. i looked around frantically and eventually walked nearer to marsiling primary where i found a group of primary school kids playing with her.

i swear, i was so relieved. i said my thanks to God and approached it.

....and it recognised me!

i said sorry to it, while the kids were all staring at me. haha.
then i opened a can of cat food and put it at her mouth.
then she ate happily.
she ate 2 cans in all. :D
very greedily, i might add. hehe.


well, i went home shortly after. the kids wanted to play with her and she was so engrossed with eating, i figured i needed to get home so i can blog about this so i'll never forget about it. if there comes a time where i suffer from senile dementia or amnesia, i'd be able to remember this particular incident because i swear, it felt like an emotional rollercoaster. all in 5 minutes. hahaha.


PICTURES!
(i managed to snap away while she was eating. hehe.)














-----

that being said and done..

i wished i had a cat. i want a kitty. i want a kitten. and now, i want her kittens! :(


i can't have direct access to them though, cause my sister is allergic to them. :(


speaking of my sister, i must rush out now, because i have a date with her at causeway point. =.= i know, right? i din want to go far cause i'm tired, and i want to come home to the pizza later! heheh. so.. long and goodbye.. so long and...


goodbye... (:


i thought and wondered at 5:20 PM


"i just want to see blood "

nothing else but blood.




'sorry' doesn't make everything better.
in this case, it made nothing better.


i thought and wondered at 2:21 PM


"new soul "

i'm a new soul
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout how to give and take
but since i came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

see i'm a young soul
in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
but why all this hate?
try to communicate
finding trust and love is not always easy to make

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
wooo..

this is a happy end
cause you don't understand
everything you have done
why's everything so wrong?
this is a happy end
come and give me your hand
i'll take you far away

i'm a new soul
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout how to give and take
but since i came here
felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...


- yael naim

-----


weird how this song expresses exactly how i feel right now. (:


i thought and wondered at 12:49 PM


Monday, February 8, 2010
"betrayed. "

we're all just so screwed up.


iunno what it'll take for all of us to realise that.



you cannot blame me for the hurt that i'm feeling. neither can i blame you for any hurt i'll be putting you through.


let's just say that right now, my heart is.. scorned. how did bella do it so well? how did she accept edward again, after all the hurt that he put her through? after all the pain that he so consciously made her suffer? jacob didn't deserve to be paitao-ed just like that. especially when both he and bella knew that they did feel something. they did share something.



iun think i'm strong enough.


but i've always known that it would come to this.
don't deny it. you knew, too.




it's a twisted love story, what we have. with another who didn't deserve to be hurt either. but how long more must i stay selfless? how long more must i put others before myself? how long more should i be aware of how others are feeling, when iun even realise that i'm killing myself with my actions?

love hurts.
but which love doesn't?
it wouldn't be called love if it didn't hurt.
would it?



oh, and to you..
(i hope you know who you are.)
I FUCKING MISS YOU.
sigh.




shall we stop doing this to each other?



p/s: may apple rule the world. at starbucks now - watching mel work and freezing to death, again - and trust me, 95% of the people here are using macbooks. i bet that dude who is using windows wished he had a macbook now. no-link, but seriously.


i thought and wondered at 9:03 PM


"leaving on a jetplane "

shariff is leaving us.


i must admit, i was pissed when he caught me wanting to continue my dreamweaver ICA just now after time was up, but when he broke the news to us.. it just caught me off guard, i guess.

i was surprisingly really, really sad.



perhaps it's because i always had to contact him personally about all the MCs i had. take for example, that day when i got myself involved in the bike accident. he was pretty worried and the frustration showed by him matched that of a dad's. maybe that's why i felt so sad that he's leaving. yet at the same time, happy for him cause he's moving forward to something that he has enjoyed doing for a very long time.


either way, i screwed up my dreamweaver ICA test, so, yeah.
sigh.



off to lecture now.
4 more days of school, and whooh.
i'll see you on the other side. (:



i thought and wondered at 1:38 PM


Sunday, February 7, 2010
"kick off your shoes "

i was reading a particular blog of a person who a friend(?) doesn't really like, and i realised that i understand what she (the blogger) means now.

i used to think: it's not her fault, it's not her fault, it's not her fault. but then again. to what extent can i point the blame to somebody who doesn't deserve it at all? and perhaps, somebody who was indeed just attacked with unnecessary and groundless accusations and insults?



"funny how the brain works.
part of my life seems lost; missing.
but it's not me who wanted this."





oh wells, this is not a competition. though i realise you regard it as one. such a competitive little one. i wish you all the best in life. afterall, you of all people should know how short and fragile life is. to be wasting it away with this high amount of pettiness.. it's almost as though you do not deserve to live. but then again, the choices you make, are yours, and yours alone. nobody can stray you away from what you want to do. influences play only a small part - nothing more. food for thought?



anyway, i was looking through songs, and i decided to put this video up on my blog. i first watched it when i was in primary 1 or 2. on the "fantastic females" CD. and i have never understood it, until recently. perhaps you might share my sentiments.


ahh crap.
embedding is disabled by request.
well, if you wanna watch it, then you can click here.




on another note:
the songs from the musical are in my favourite playlist right now, and i keep listening to them non-stop. haha. needless to say, the NYP musical was a blast. i was glad to be part of it, glad to have made new friends, glad to have been the emcee for an event in school. (:


a very big thank you to the make up department. for being professional and thoughtful. (: thanks as well, to all those who showed me support during my emceeing. like, it's just emceeing, but thank you for coming and showing support. you know who you are! (:



-----

after the musical, i went for supper with mummy, step-dad and my baby at simpang bedok. the boy was very stubborn and wanted to ride there, so he was practically behind me the whole way. it was very drama-like, i tell you. i love that boy so.

okay, off to do other stuff now.
such as trying to teach myself dreamweaver stuff.




bye.


i thought and wondered at 1:50 PM


Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"did it again. "

hello.

you never fail to surprise me.

(:





i tried. i tried enough.
i am allergic.


i thought and wondered at 3:25 PM