my thoughts and wonders.

i want somebody to kill me;
will you?

mytsandws. ♥

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sharifah raihanah
sherryfah. (sha. shar. shai. nana.)
foreign bodies. ex-asc. fcps. rss. nyp/sbm - media studies & management. cotton on. cancer. hates her own kind, including you.

sharaihanah@hotmail.com

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Sunday, August 29, 2010

"bye hair "

i wished all of you would just shut up.

no, really.

i thought and wondered at 3:01 AM

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"i love the way you lie "

gone. i needed it. and it's gone.

my ego, much stronger than my priority for needs.

what are we going to become? why am i still doing this to myself? i cannot turn to anybody else because that'd be considered cheating. i cannot keep to myself lest i break down and become psychotic all over again. yet i cannot turn to you because your reactions are the root of my confusion.

sick of being wrong with everybody else.

sick of texting you first just because i wake up earlier.

sick of being too pushy and demanding.

sick of it. i don't want out but i want a change.

fuck all you hypocrites.

i thought and wondered at 1:36 PM

Thursday, August 19, 2010

"repeat "

saw the world turning in my sheets

and once again i cannot sleep

walk out the door and up the street;

look at the stars beneath my feet

remember rights that i did wrong, so here i go

hello, hello

there is no place i cannot go
my mind is muddy but my heart is heavy - does it show?
i lose the track that loses me, so here i go

and so i sent some men to fight

and one came back at dead of night
said he'd seen my enemy

said he looked just like me
so i set out to cut myself and here i go

i'm not calling for a second chance
i'm screaming at the top of my voice
give me reason but don't give me choice
cause i'll just make the same mistake again

and maybe someday we will meet

and maybe talk and not just speak
don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises i keep
and my reflection troubles me, so here i go

i'm not calling for a second chance
'm screaming at the top of my voice
give me reason but don't give me choice
cause i'll just make the same mistake

i'm not calling for a second chance
i'm screaming at the top of my voice
give me reason but don't give me choice
cause i'll just make the same mistake again

saw the world turning in my sheets

and once again i cannot sleep
walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars
look at the stars fall down
and wonder where did i go wrong

:')

i thought and wondered at 2:13 AM

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"dark "

fuck it.

just leave if i'm hurting you. i'm used to being left alone. i don't really have friends even, no?

i thought and wondered at 3:58 PM

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"if i come out alive "

i want to make the people around me happy.

if it is true, i will.

-----

went to the ramadhan bazaar outside causeway point today to get food with baby and we came across this stall where there was a showcase of themes for malay weddings and all. i din even realise it at first. we were walking and baby suddenly went: "sayang! lawa nyer! we just have to tukar the orange to pink! and then we add a little white!" i was honestly shocked, because we were talking about a totally different thing.

as my mind was recovering from the sweet feeling of pleasure that was rushing all over me as realisation took place, he was continuing with: "abeh kan, pelamin dier kite tukar with pink.. and then add white.. eh no, silver. pasal pelamin kan....."

haha. baby so cute! ^^

and he continued making up the different colour combinations that we've always planned our wedding to be. sounds cheesy, but seriously, a really nice feeling takes over me whenever i think of our wedding day. if insyaAllah, we do get married in future, i'll be the happiest woman on earth. (oh btw baby, scrap the "no wishlist after marriage" thing. i remembered you owe me loads of stuff after marriage. muahahaha.)

ahh. i need to sleep now.

work again tomorrow.

toodles!

i thought and wondered at 12:44 AM

Sunday, August 15, 2010

"perk up "

you want to know why i really love my bestfriends? because they care for me.

the fab four have been there for me through it all, and though they've been busy with schoolwork and the big A's, it's really sweet to know that they still care a lot about me. (:

yesterday, maisurah love visited me during work and passed me my belated birthday present. she passed it to me late because it arrived after my birthday and we haven't been able to meet since the pre-birthday celebration they had for me.

quite sad ey?

bestfriends who aren't able to meet up.

sigh.

but anyway, here's what she got me. :D

for those who read my blog religiously, you'll know that this is one of the items i posted on my blog before my birthday saying i wanted it. i was screaming in joy when i opened it in front of mai because i was having such a bad day at work, and her visit had cheered me up tremendously. i was admittedly also deliriously happy because it was nice to know that even though she's super stressed with her own commitments and leaves her blog un-updated, she takes the time to read my blog! (:

sidetrack: hearing her rant on and on about academic matters comforted me. not being sadistic or what, but it somehow made me feel at home. i'm too used with who each of the fab four reacts to things. seeing maisurah yesterday made me feel like, things are all normal and okay. of course that being said, i miss the other two as well. i miss haiza the most though. i haven't been spending time with her in the LONGEST time, ever! but a few more months, and i'll be meeting up with them like crazy. :D

okay gots to go work now.

toodles.

p/s: dear fab four, y'all will do great for A's. just have confidence in yourselves, keep the revision rate up, and the stress level down. i love y'all very very much.

i thought and wondered at 2:24 PM

Thursday, August 12, 2010

"random picszxz "

oh and before i ~~get lazy again~~ forget, here are a few random pictures to sum up my recent life.

yeah, baby and i just came back from night-bowling not too long ago. i lost by 18 points! but it's my best final score to date! LOL.

oh, i din really blog about our date 2 days before the start of ramadhan, but we had a really big lunch at swensens. :D

baby actually rearranged his soft shell crab pasta just to take this picture because mine took AGES to arrive. haha. cute seh perangai.

yum. yum.

baby step cute tapi.. memang cute.. HAHAHA.

'cookies and cream something something'. hahaa. our dessert.

ah yes, whenever he calls me i see this. :D:D:D

baby's new house! well, his new television in his new house, actually. =.=

the cute kitten i saw when i went to johor with my family! that black thing is my shoe and my feet are a size 6.5! yes, that's how small the kitten was!

kakak said it resembles a spring chicken. tsk.

mine's the one with the number '31' at the end of the row. that states the number of hours i'm working that week. :( see i work so hard. sigh.

baby and myself during our trip to the national museum. :D

okay that sums some of it up.

HAPPY FASTING MY DEAR FELLOW MUSLIMS.

just try to keep yourselves out of trouble yeah? (:

xoxo

i thought and wondered at 1:57 AM

"confession "

i ♥ bella.

why?

i'm not talking about the fictional character from twilight. i'm referring to mel's bike. heh.

because everytime we fight, she manages to either make me smile so that we both lighten up or she so effortlessly makes me realise how much i love you. haha!

for example, remember that time when we were fighting like, really bad? we were at bukit panjang plaza or lot 1 (i can't remember since their basement carparks are really similar.) and though the day started well, we ended up fighting because i couldn't get to do something i wanted. and then you started being all bitchy (nyeh) and we weren't speaking the whole way to the carpark. and then when you tried starting bella she wouldn't start. and i couldn't help but laugh when you said: "okay, i'm sorry. see, even bella's on your side."

sidetrack: not trying to sound smug or anything, but bella is almost 99.9% of the time on my side. like you said, bad things happen to both you and bella when i'm pissed/sad/hurt by you. heh. ^^

and i absolutely love being on public transport with you, because i get to genuinely spend time with you, even while we're travelling.. i mean, remember our secondary school days? i practically fell in love with you because of the 911 rides and i've always loved how we always walked back home together just in time to catch the sunset every day. but when we're on bella, things just get better if we're fighting. i mean, of course most of the time this occurs because i cannot walk away and also, you have the ability to control the speed and acceleration of bella so i can hug you if you're going too fast.. but it's really because i get to cool down as the breeze rushes on my exposed skin.

and just like that, i'll (quote from mummy) "melt", and then things will be all fine and dandy between us again.

good thing? bad? i don't care.

i just really don't like wasting time fighting with you.

though i do start most of our fights.

like i've thought to myself before:

"i'm just too used to knowing that things will all be okay."

i mean, seriously? 5 years and a lot of shits has happened.

you cannot blame me for not thinking otherwise.

so yeah, i ♥ bella.

but i love you more than i love bella.

and i just realised i miss you, but i love you more.

and that's why i should never compare you to how you were in the past. because change is inevitable, but you are still you.

i love you, muhammad syamil bin bueari.

that, i know for sure.

that, i'll always know for sure.

i know even if there comes a day where we stop being together, these feelings won't end. i know this because for 2 years they were put on... hold. and even during those 2 years everytime we spoke to each other there'd be a burst of emotions waiting to take control of our lives again. eventually it did, ey?

i really cannot wait for next month. :D

toodles! (:

p/s: you're prolly going to read this through my cell, but i'm hoping you read this when we're having a fight so you'll go all: "awwwww...". haha. (:

i thought and wondered at 1:11 AM

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"it's all.. fake. "

felt like bitching about somebody who i've been seeing a lot, but the diary got the privilege instead. nyeh.

i hate copycats.

don't you?

i thought and wondered at 2:45 AM

Saturday, August 7, 2010

"high adrenaline (61st) "

it's like setting my own heart on fire and then crying hysterically in hope of drowning the flames.

it's when they matter so much to you, that nothing else matters 'cept them. it's like you'd kill yourself in exchange for them to live their lives because that's how much you love them. it's like loving someone so much, that you lose the idea of love itself.

i don't care if y'all understand what i'm talking about. because it's something that i feel, something that i feel comfortable with and something that i'm sick of. you know? sometimes you love that person too much. too damned much that it actually becomes scary. it becomes scary because anything that person says or does affects you in such a big way that it manages to shape you as a person. they become habits. they become ways our lives. they become part of us. and it's scary.

all that being said, i miss you.

i miss the way we talked about our dreams.

i miss the way we talked about our future.

i miss the way we talked all night.

"i don't give a damn what you think." - eminem

oh and you. trust me, we have a long way to go.

do we really want to do this?

pronto.

p/s: it kills me because i know i can get better. and it's worse when i kill myself for even thinking of such things. after all, you should love your own self the best.

i thought and wondered at 1:17 PM