so anyways, i've been really too fucking busy to update this blog recently. well, not really busy per se, but well, i've been more of too tired. everyday i reach home about 10.30pm or later, and then i'll switch macsharee on, only to check my facebook account and have random chat conversations.

in a way, i am a no-life sucker.

yeah yeah, i'm not as cool as you. not as wealthy as you. not as pretty or hot as you. not as smart as you. i'm always the bottom of all lists positive, and at the top of all negative lists. i know, already. stop shoving it in my face lest i start shoving your bad points to yours.

what's the use of having friends who're hypocrites anyway?

i'm not saying anything about my friends (who knows, maybe i am), but i've just been thinking. a human brain, is capable of making up stories, just with ONE of its manyyyyyy power tools - imagination. we can make believe events that happen, people that exist, and so on and so forth.

what if you are the one playing your own self out?

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i've not had the best childhood around. neither did i have a good upbringing. i'm not blaming my parents though. what i am blaming, are the decisions that they made rashfully which caused consequences that has ultimately shaped me into the person that i am today. from the sharifah who had her first serious boyfriend in secondary one, to the shareefah who started cheating on her boyfriend in upper secondary, and finally to the sherryfah who's been smoking her ass off everyday in school.

iun ever need any of you to tell me how disgusted you are with me. because i know you have screwed up too. and if you haven't, you know you will one day. you fucking know it. there's like, a subconscious desire in your mind to screw up. and it'll get you into more trouble than i've ever been in before. and at that point of time, i won't be the one who fixes you (because you've never fixed me before). as evil as it may sound, what i will do is laugh. because it's hilarious, and almost ironic, how the preacher doesn't preach what he preaches.

mummy often tells me that in this world, nobody ever thinks of others before himself, and i used to disagree. entering nyp has made me realise that what mum says is true. i used to think that mum has always been wrong. i used to think that i was one of the few who doesn't care about what happens to me, as long as my loved ones are safe; unharmed. yet now, i realise i have a limit to how much i can think of others before myself. fuck, it even made sap so frustrated with me because whenever my friends or people started stepping on me cause i gave in too much, i broke down.

when i was younger, in primary school, whenever such feelings or anxiousness triggered by these feelings made me go: "you don't have to be jealous. you're as good, better, even."

it changed all my negative energy and thoughts to a motivating factor. i used to hate the fact that my friends had dinner with their families. i used to hate the fact that i never got attention until i seeked it in other ways - wrong ways. i used to hate how my dad would come to school to fetch me, and my mum would literally drag me away, making me cry infront of my friends. openly. in public. in fact, i still hate them.

growing up, i lived in fear. perhaps i still do.

fear that my brother would barge into my room, beating me up.

fear that i wouldn't be accepted by my friends.

fear that i'll never get anything done because i was crying so much.

the very same fear....

that produced the girl who scored always all A*s and As in her results.

that produced the girl who had 6 CCAs, and was still the top scorer from a pure EM2 class.

that produced the girl who was always the teacher's pet. ALWAYS.

now i ask myself.

i'll continue later. running late for dance.