as the year comes to an end, i find it funny how this year has revolved around guys.
disclaimer: this is a relatively long entry. don't read it if you're not bored, cause you won't get it if you read only certain paragraphs. (:
when he said i was desperate, i disagreed like fuck. looking back, perhaps he was right. keyword: perhaps. why? well, probably because i was in a relationship in all 4 years of secondary school, which meant that in one way or another, i had no access to other guys. and when msbs (he-who-should-not-be-named) left early this year, a part of me felt... lost.
i'm not used to not being belonged.
notice that i'm using present tense, because i still don't like this feeling of not being belonged.
that's why i started losing myself. sigh. and unfortunately, some people find themselves attracted to me based on first impressions, which i think is a pity. because it's as shallow as fuck. and honestly, you'll come to realise that there's nothing about me that's attractive. those who hate me already would know. (:
BUT.
the essence of this entry is, that i want this to stop this process of hurting and being hurt, soon. and iun want to force myself to have a boyfriend this year just to stop feeling alone... no wait, it's not the feeling of loneliness that i'm trying to shake off. it's the feeling of emptiness, rather. something that tells me my life sucks because i have nobody to call my own.
that being said, i do have feelings for one person right now.
and one person only.
you know who you are.
sidetrack: when this kind of situation happens, i always remember what i told myself wayyyy before. just because you like (or even love) somebody, it doesn't mean you have to have that somebody. if he/she being free makes him/her happier, then that's what i'd do. because if the feelings are true, they'd be selfless, and i wouldn't mind being hurt for/by that person.
and... contradictory to what i just said (before the paragraph right above this one), i do enjoy that satisfaction of being the girl who doesn't belong to anybody. it's the freedom, you know? i'm sure you understand what i'm talking about. it's the best-est part of being single, and we all started out single, didn't we? how can you not know what i'm talking about? hahah.
enough about guys? yes?
what i can't wait for this new year, is of course, the much awaited - 4th of july. if you dare to even ask me what's on that day, i might just.. take my cutting penknife to stab you multiple times before dumping your body in some lake. but, i know you wouldn't ask. because only dumb people would ask. (: and you're not dumb, are you?
as much as i'm worried and nervous about this year i turn 18, i can't help but feel sexcited and triumphant. that i lasted this long. that i'm still going strong..? (haha, sorry, i just wanted to rhyme the previous sentence.) oh wells.
i need to get serious about life;
stop over-thinking small details, and for once, look at the bigger picture.
shall we make 2010 the best year we ever lived? shall we make it the most unforgettable out of all these years we've lived, and will live? shall we walk into this cloud of uncertainty, guided by only our instincts and gut-feelings? shall we emerge better people at the end of it, to make up for all our rotten behaviours this year?
i can't be the teacher no more.
in 2010, i need to be taught.
i should probably start finishing them, and then head out for dance. i should stop being late, too, you know. i always used to be punctual before sec 4. this IS a habit i should kick. always being late and all. sigh.
toodles darlings; peace out.
have a very good last day of 2009. (:
p/s: i woke up smiling... yet somehow deep inside me there's this strong sense of regret.
